Breaking News: NFL committee disqualifies 7 players for kneeling during anthem at opening ceremony, “It’s a new season free of woke culture.” Watch video.

In an unprecedented display of zero tolerance for “woke culture,” the NFL began its new season by disqualifying seven players for the heinous act of kneeling during the national anthem. Yes, you read that right. As millions tuned into the NFL’s opening ceremony, a small group of players took a knee, and the league’s reaction was swift and unforgiving. In a move that has rocked the sports world, the NFL announced that it would no longer tolerate any form of protest during the anthem. Because, apparently, the league has had enough of kneeling and anything resembling “woke culture.”

“This is a new season, free from kneeling for woke culture,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell declared at a hurried news conference, barely concealing his glee at ending the four-year saga that has divided fans, players and commentators alike. “From now on, players will stand tall, proud and completely free of political opinions—at least during the national anthem,” Goodell continued, standing in front of a banner that read “Make Football Great Again,” which, let’s face it, seems a little too blunt.

Players who knelt were immediately escorted off the field by security, in scenes more suited to a heist movie than the opening ceremony of America’s favorite sport. Among those disqualified were some big names: defensive end Marcus “The Wall” Johnson, wide receiver Devin Thompson and offensive lineman Ricky “Brick House” Davis, to name a few. Each was asked to hand over his helmet, gather his things from the locker room and, as a final insult, delete his social media accounts.

It turns out that kneeling is no longer just an act of political protest; it is now a disqualifying foul, akin to taking performance-enhancing drugs or being caught deflating footballs.

“We warned them,” Goodell said, shaking his head with the disappointment of a father whose son just threw a baseball through the living room window. “We gave them plenty of opportunities. But these players didn’t listen. They chose the path of woke culture, and now they will have plenty of time to reflect on their actions—from the comfort of their living rooms.”

The players, for their part, have remained silent in the face of this sudden disqualification. Or rather, they would have said something—had they not been forced to delete all of their social media accounts, effectively rendering them mute in the digital world. This bold new move is part of the NFL’s broader attempt to take back its turf from what many fans and owners have deemed “unnecessary distractions.” After years of debate over anthem protests, the league has decided enough is enough. The goal? A unified football season where kneeling in the huddle is the only thing allowed—and even then, only for a limited time, because, as Goodell emphasized, “Let’s not get carried away by symbolism.”

“This is football,” Goodell said, raising his arms dramatically like a preacher at a revival meeting. “It’s not about politics. It’s not about social justice. It’s about 22 men on a field tearing each other down for the entertainment of the masses. And we want to get back to that pure, glorious, unimpeachable version of the game. No more kneeling, no more woke messages. Just football.”

To really drive the point home, the NFL has also introduced a host of new rules at stadiums for the season, including mandatory flag-waving during the anthem (fans will be handed small American flags at the entrance) and a “stand or leave” policy, where anyone caught sitting or kneeling will be asked to “reconsider their commitment to the game.” As if anyone needed further proof, the league seems intent on removing anything remotely political from its turf.